


No Sex in the Room of Requirement (crack!songfic)

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Hogwarts Era, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-19
Updated: 2005-10-19
Packaged: 2018-10-27 10:43:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10807488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Crack!fic. The Sorting Hat has a new song.





	No Sex in the Room of Requirement (crack!songfic)

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

in honor of furiosity's birthday, I have put together a parody of Chris Rock's 'No Sex in the Champagne Room', which is a parody of Baz Luhrmann's 'Everybody's Free - To Wear Sunscreen'. Snape's one and only line is meant as no disrespect to the wonderful and talented cleolinda, who used a similar line for her [PoA in 15 Min](http://www.livejournal.com/community/m15m/2237.html). Did I mention this is crack?

**No Sex in the Room of Requirement**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione settle into their seats at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, anxiously awaiting the start of their seventh and final year at Hogwarts. Ron and Hermione, going on four months of being 'together' and not killing each other, hold hands lovingly.

 

Across the hall, Draco glares evilly at Harry, creating an atmosphere of hatred and UST.

 

 

DUMBLEDORE: Greetings, everyone! Welcome to yet another wonderful year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Before we sort the first years into their appropriate Houses, the Sorting Hat has prepared a special tribute to the seventh years. Sorting Hat?

 

 

SORTING HAT: *clears throat* Wizards and Witches of the Hogwarts class of 1998, I have one piece of advice for you. No matter what a Prefect tells you, there's no sex in the Room of Requirement. _None._ Oh, there's other things in the Room of Requirement, but you don't want other things - you want sex, and there's no sex in the Room of Requirement.

 

 

HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE: *dropjaw*

 

DRACO: What's the Room of Requirement?

 

 

SORTING HAT: Don't shower in the Quidditch changing rooms by yourself. Sure, you think nobody is watching, but chances are, they're just waiting for you to drop the soap.

 

 

HERMIONE: *giggles*

 

HARRY AND RON: *glare at Hermione*

 

 

SORTING HAT: If Blaise Zabini tells you he wants you to help him study, cast a charm on your gag reflex. If he tells you he wants to help _you_ study, bring plenty of lube and be prepared to walk funny for few days.

 

 

BLAISE: *grins smugly*

 

 

SORTING HAT: Cut your bloody hair!

 

 

RON: *holds up an end of his freakishly long hair* But I like my hair long.

 

HARRY: Me too.

 

RON: What?

 

HARRY: Er, nothing.

 

HERMIONE: *rolls eyes*

 

 

SORTING HAT: Professor Snape couldn't _possibly_ be the best Potions Master in the country. He'd be able to do something about his hair, at least.

 

 

HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE: *snigger*

 

SNAPE: ONE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

 

 

SORTING HAT: Young Purebloods, if you walk down the corridor and someone bumps into you, _let it slide_. Why spend the next 20 years in Azkaban because someone knocked a hair out of place?

 

 

DRACO: *snorts*

 

 

SORTING HAT: Redheaded twins - ain't nuttin wrong with that!

 

 

HARRY AND HERMIONE: Damn right!

 

RON: *fumes*

 

 

SORTING HAT: No matter what you think of what I'm saying, remember this one thing: there's no sex in the Room of Requirement.

 

 

DRACO: *growls* What is the bloody Room of Requirement?!

 

 

SORTING HAT: If you've spent seven years sharing a dorm with four other boys, you've shagged at least one. If you haven't, you want to.

 

 

HARRY AND RON: *exchange a nervous look and scoot away from each other*

 

HERMIONE: *smiles knowingly*

 

 

SORTING HAT: If a Slytherin wizard claims he's completely straight, he's lying.

 

 

HARRY AND RON: *snigger*

 

 

SORTING HAT: If a Gryffindor wizard claims he's completely straight, he's lying.

 

 

HARRY AND RON: *pale*

 

 

SORTING HAT: Here's some divination for everyone, courtesy of Professor Trelawney.

 

 

HARRY: This ought to be good. Let's count, shall we?

 

 

SORTING HAT: If your name is Harry Potter, you're gonna die.

 

 

HARRY AND RON: That's one.

 

 

SORTING HAT: If you have a lightning-bolt scar on your forehead, you're gonna die.

 

 

HARRY AND RON: Two.

 

 

SORTING HAT: If you have had ♥OMGHOTBOISEX♥ with Draco Malfoy, you're gonna die.

 

 

HARRY AND RON: Oh, shit.

 

HARRY AND RON: *gape at each other*

 

DRACO: *smirks*

 

HERMIONE: I'm so glad I'm a girl.

 

 

SORTING HAT: If you're a virgin - 

 

 

HARRY: *stands up and shouts* HA! Not this one!

 

 

SORTING HAT: with _girls_ \- 

 

 

HARRY: Oh, shit. *sits down*

 

 

SORTING HAT: you're gonna die. If you had a prophecy made about you -

 

 

HARRY: Enough already!

 

 

SORTING HAT: Right. No one goes to the Astronomy Tower to look at the sky.

 

 

HERMIONE: *under her breath* I do.

 

RON: Not with me, you don't. *wink*

 

HARRY: *rolls eyes*

 

 

SORTING HAT: If you've been dating a witch for 4 months and haven't gotten into her knickers, she's shagging your best mate. Or your sister.

 

 

RON: *looks at Hermione*

 

HERMIONE: *blushes*

 

RON: *glares murderously at Harry*

 

HARRY: It wasn't me, mate!

 

GINNY: *grins*

 

 

SORTING HAT: Some of the things I said may not apply to you. Some of the things I said may offend you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: no matter what a Prefect tells you, there's no sex in the Room of Requirement. _None_.

 

 

DRACO: *heatedly* If someone doesn't tell me what the fucking Room of Requirement is _right now_ , I'm gonna -

 

HARRY: Calm your roll, Malfoy. Follow me - I'll show you where it is.

 

RON AND HERMIONE: *raise eyebrows* 

 

HARRY: What? He _is_ a Prefect. *winks*

 

_Fin_


End file.
